I know it’s been some years since I’ve spoken to you, and you probably assumed I’d gotten past it by now, but I need some closure. I couldn’t tell you this before because I was too close to it; I needed time and space to gather myself and recover enough to say this to you.
Who the hell are you talking to on the phone? You’ve been chattering nonstop for the last half-hour. I don’t think I’ve even seen you breathe, much less allow the person supposedly on the other end of the line to speak.
Who is your carrier, and what crazy rate plan are you on? I know you’re not swimming in cash or you wouldn’t be driving a Towncar that looks like it ended its career as an extra on a The Dukes of Hazzard episode.
Speaking of which, I may not know much about cars, but shouldn’t this model have come with, y’know, a dashboard? I know you don’t have a meter, but a speedometer might be nice. I’m just saying, is all. The fact that you appear to be shifting gears with a socket wrench is a tad off-putting.
And what is that smell? I didn’t want to say anything at first, because I thought it must be some kind of ethnic dish and I didn’t want to be insensitive, but now my eyes are starting to bulge. It smells like Andrew Dice Clay’s career in here, and I can’t take it much longer. I thought I knew what “stench” meant from that time my roommate left a burrito in the sink for a week, but that was before the word was so brutally redefined in this backseat.
What’s that stuck to the window? Is… is that… is that hair?
Uh… that SUV is… it’s… it’s gonna… JESUS H. CHRIST! C’mon, man – I know I said I was in a rush, but my dismemberment insurance isn’t paid up this month, so how about you relaAAAAACK!
Erm… does the West Side Highway really seem like the best route to get from Midtown to Queens? Okay, okay! Sorry I asked. I don’t know what you’re saying but you’re obviously very excitable. Eyes back on the road, please, ’cause there’s a Dodge NeOOOOOOLY FUCK!
Hey, that was neat. You actually managed to re-locate my spleen. Cool as that is, though, I just retched a bit of street-corner gyro into my mouth, so how ’bout we ease into the gas from now on there, Sparky? I didn’t know an ’83 Lincoln could go from 0 to 60 in 0.2 seconds. Learn something new every day.
What do you mean, where’s Queens Boulevard? It’s Queens Boulevard. It’s the big fucking boulevard that runs right down the middle of Queens. Well, I don’t know how to get there, man, I just moved here. I’m not the one who drives around New York for a living. How about you take the money you didn’t spend getting properly licensed to do this and invest $3.49 on a map?
Just up here. No, keep going. A little further. Just drive. I’ll tell you where to pull over. No, not on the corner; I just said I’d tell you where to… oh, fuck it. Here’s fine.
Forty bucks? Forty bucks? Where’d we go, Midtown to Queens by way of Rhode Island? I’m not paying you forty bucks to scare the hell out of me.
On second thought, it’s worth the extra ten bucks you’re overcharging me just to get out of the car.
Love,
Pip
*The term ‘Gypsy Cab’ is used to refer to a cabbie who cruises for passengers, most often without a license to do so, and has nothing to do with actual Gypsies.
Dude, I’m so high right now. I’m so high! Dude, I smoked like… uh… what?
Oh, yeah. Dude. I’m so high. I had this fattie and I so smoked it. And then Troy was like, “Dude. you totally smoked that whole thing” and I was like, “Dude!”
Dude.
You want some of this? It’s my new recipe, and dude, it is so awesome. I can’t believe I never thought of this before. I had, like, spaghetti noodles, but I was like, “Dude, there’s so no sauce here.” But we had, like, Ranch dressing. So I put it on there, and it’s totally perfect together. I call it “White Spaghetti.” Dude, you gotta try it. C’mon, dude; stop throwing up and eat some of this. Fine, dude, I’ll just set it down in the corner here where I can forget about it for about a week and a half, is that cool?
I was trying to watch your Usual Suspects DVD, but dude, it was stuck on this one scene. Just kept showing all those dudes standing in a line, and like looping the same music over and over again. Dude, I was tripping balls. It had, like, all these words on the screen like “Play Movie” and “Selected Scenes” and shit? I think the DVD player’s broken, dude. So I took it out and tried to use my lighter to, you know, like burn all the dirt off and stuff. And it made this like really cool pattern on the shiny part; it was so awesome. So I went through your whole DVD collection and did, like, art, on them or something.
Dude, look at your cat! He’s like so high right now. I tried to get him to smoke this with me, but I couldn’t like get him to stick the end in his little kitty mouth – I think he’s like retarded or something – so I just blew in his face until he was so high. Dude, he’s been tripping over stuff for like the last half-hour. His eyes are so bloodshot! It was so funny, dude – every time I blew this in his face he like totally went over to the pile of your laundry and peed on it. Totally! I did it like six or seven times, and he just kept peeing on it! So funny, dude.
Hey, I know it’s like 2 a.m., but do you happen to be going to that White Castle in Queens? Could you get me something?
Polished wooden planks
Cool against my burning cheek
One beer too many
Dear Pretentious Grad Student,
Hi! I’m the guy who sits behind you in class. You know that odd crunching noise you hear every time you speak? Yeah, that’s me griding my teeth.
It’s easier than you think.
Dear person with “hottie”, “babe”, or “sexy” in your email, aim, or forum username,
I totally love your username. I wanted, however, just to let you in on a little-known word that might help you out in the long run:
humble [huhm-buh
l]: adjective, not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.
If a dream really is a wish your heart makes, does that mean my heart’s secret desire is to be chased naked by my junior high science teacher and her army of giant mutant crabs?
Ha! A second lolcat. I’m on a roll now.
Because full-screen internet porno takes a lot of memory.